‘RED MEAT WILL KILL YOU!’ is the headline that greeted me as I logged onto MSN last week; a bold, confident statement I’m sure you will agree. This headline is bound to worry a lot of people around the country, especially me, I’m a vegetarian! I can’t walk past a butchers without the fear I may be struck down by a stray sausage, or drive near a Sainsbury’s delivery van for fear of it unloading 2 tons of black pudding onto my Fiat 500. I may be overreacting but MSN has told me how I’m going to die and it’...
I have been doing this blog now for a few months and have noticed that many of my readers are not from my home country of England in the United Kingdom. So I feel it is only necessary to verse you in one of our favourite subjects, the humble toilet.For many readers from the U.K you may well think this is a cheap subject for a blog but my fellow countrymen please spare a thought for our foreign cousins who only see the toilet as a functional piece of porcelain, there to quicklywhisk away their bowel movem...
I've been having a lot of nightmareslately and I don't like them, they're not like the ones I used to have when I was a kid, where there was something obvious to be scared of, like monsters or a flashbackfrom an encounter with anangry dog. These seem more sinister, more confusing, somehow darker and harder to shake, every night the same: Ex-REM front man Michael Stipe sitting at the end of my bed stroking my feet and crying; I just thank god those hellish Simon Cox dreams have stopped. So, as a sort of t...
The human body comesin two main chassis types, the sleeker, sportier female model with pop up headlights and large boot but which tends to be rather a lot noisieror the bulkier, sturdiermale version which produces far higher emissions and has a tendency to break down.Ichose to testdrive the meatierMale version (albeit with the large pop-up headlights normally reserved for the female model)and30 years into this test I can finally confirm it's crap.Crap car analogy aside, it's only really dawned on me how ...
As I have celebrated my 30th birthday this month I feel I am now old enough and mature enough to commentate on this, the darkest of subject matter andthe father of the macabre. After all I believe it was Plato who said ‘There is but one method to differentiate a man from a boy. Give a boy a banana and he will hold it to his crouch in mockery of a phallus, give a banana to a man and he will pretend it’s a pistol in mockery of Daniel Craig’ When asked what a woman would do with a banana Plato simply replie...
I've been lazy this week and will do a proper post soon. Please find below a Facebook post as way of compensation: Paul MarrableWhy is England so dull??!! Graham McCann An overwhelming lack of genocide? about an hour ago · · Paul Marrable We do have wotsits though. about an hour ago · Graham McCann Until the skips introduce ethnic cleansing on all savoury snacks about an hour ago · Paul Marrable I heard that Cadburys products have been roaming around raping the Walkers products. What nex...
Vermeer’s 'The Milk Maiden'Just to add a bit of class. Are you sitting comfortably? Then I shall begin.A long, long time ago, there was a wonderful milk maiden who lived in the enchanted suburbs of the west midlands, it was said that she was of such beauty that even those without sight could sense it.One day whilst milking daisy the cash cow she came upon a handsome prince who immediately offered her a low paid administrative roll in a market research company located in the far away land of Warwick Te...
Hello there!! My last blog was a little poo I'm happy to admit. The problem I believeis this,the advice from the experts is to write about your own life and experiences and to be honest I have very few experiences worth sharing- "Today I sneezed andI think I felt something prolapse" that sums up today, oh and a bird flew into the office window which made Mandy from accountscry(best day in ages, except the prolapse). So to spice things up I've been researching what people like to talk and hear about. I'...
